DAY 37

Water, Water Everywhere, and Not a Drop to Drink?

Lately I feel like I’m going to explode. Extreme frustration is what I’m feeling, yet I have to ask myself, “What is so different from last week, or last month?”

Suddenly I feel so much time pressure. It feels like I have not been getting anything done, and I’m not talking about the things that would be nice to get done, but the very concrete tasks of daily living, like grocery shopping, preparing my food, exercise, having time to just relax, cleaning, laundry, etc.

I was at the WordCamp seminar for 2 days, so I’m sure that got me behind a little. But I still had Sunday free.  I was feeling like I had it all together, since the first 30 days had been relatively easy.  Maybe it was too much to do a 2 day seminar?

This feels more like something building up over the past few weeks and now I’ve just snapped.

It seemed to start with working a lot of extra hours at one of my jobs–generally a good thing since I’ve been way underemployed. Next I got more work at another job (also a good thing), but it’s only 2 extra hours a week. Wha? How could that contribute? All I know is now I haven’t been able to play disc golf for days on end because of the timing of these extra 2 hours and the other work.  Disc golf or other exercise is what I do to relax, unwind and be carefree for an hour or two. Even when I have gotten out to play, I have to squeeze it in between a lot of other things, and I always seem to have a deadline to get back.  Not so carefree.

Against that backdrop, my impatience and frustration seem a  bit more understandable.  Yesterday when I just ate what protein I wanted at lunch, part of that was having driven across town, past countless restaurants, any of which had at least some perfectly healthy and even abstinent selections, yet I was unable to eat at any place because Wendy’s is the only abstinent restaurant without sitting for an hour or spending a fortune.  It just felt so hard, and somewhat ridiculous.  My frustration just kept multiplying as I passed each possible restaurant. I was tired of everything in the past few weeks seeming so hard.

Part of it is my not knowing the area and its offerings, not wanting to eat cold, bland and unappetizing food, and not wanting to spend a lot of time and money for a quick meal alone.  These are the reason’s fast food is so popular:  quick, easy and cheap.  that’s why Wendy’s is so awesome; in a sea of unknown and adulterated food establishments, it is a shining beacon of abstinence, if you eat beef and potatoes.

So rather than “change the things I can,” I’m in rebellion against the RFA food plan.  My mind says, “Life would be so much easier, if I could have eggs almost everyday for breakfast, if I could have seeds and nuts when I need a snack to hold me over, if I could have stevia instead of poisoning my body every day with cyclamate or saccharin, if I could be flexible instead of committing to my food plan the night before, if I weren’t being taught at every turn to stop trusting my body and my mind…”

Well, it feels good to get it all out.  Some of these are big issues for me, and I’m not sure how they will be resolved, except to pray about them and pray to know the next right thing to do.

I am not feeling very willing to do this plan. I don’t think “agreeing” to it is the way to be committed.  I agreed to it pretty unconsciously, because I wanted to work the steps with a sponsor who only works with people who are following the RFA food plan in its entirety.  I believe that to stick with it, I need a stronger conviction that it is the perfect thing for me, and I’ve never had that.  I’ve only had the conviction that I need to not eat sugar for sure, and to not eat refined foods, to a slightly lesser extent.

FOOD LOG

This morning I cooked two breakfasts ahead: KS Pumpkin Pie and Turkey Butternut Squash Bake, but then didn’t have time to let them cool, and they take extro long to eat–at least 30 mins. So then I had to scramble for today’s breakfast, even moreso, as I had forgotten I had to be at work 45 mins. early!  It all worked out, but not without adding to the recent problem of time pressure.

B: 1.5 oz salmon & 1.5 oz turkey (leftovers), 1/2 T soy protein powder (to make up the difference in protein), 1 c flax crackers (attempt at starch), Smoothie to go: 1 c kefir, 6 oz frozen fruit, 15 drops liquid saccharin (7:30am)

L:  4 oz Moroccan chicken (recipe), 1 c brown rice, 2 c salad, 1 T NO (1:30pm)

D:  4 oz corvina (a sea bass), 1 c steamed fresh asparagus, 1 c canned asparagus, 1 c brown rice (7:30pm)

M:  1 c soy milk, 6 oz frozen strawberries, 15 drops liquid saccharin (10:30pm)

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About innerhealthjourney

I'm a healer. I am into new age spirituality, healthy food, hiking and disc golf.
This entry was posted in Abstinence, Spiritual Guidance. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to DAY 37

  1. nalini says:

    This was brilliant and revealing. I totally understand, and I also understand that catch at the base of my neck when it happens. If you want company, I once burst into tears in Whole Foods under the pressure. What is so brilliant about what you wrote is where you came to — the idea of conviction. What is conviction?

    • Thanks for the camaraderie, Nalini! Sorry you had that experience though.

      Conviction is when I know something is inherently right for sure, and I can get behind it 100%.
      It doesn’t mean that I won’t dislike it or have doubts about it sometimes. But these would be few, and when explored, would lead me back to an even stronger conviction.

      If I have conviction, then I can commit to it, MAKE it work, feel like an adventure, and shrug off the apparent struggles, because there is a worthy treasure waiting on the other side of those struggles.

      How does conviction look for you?

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