Amazing NSA (Network Spinal Analysis) session! This time I was working with my very lowest neck, where it meets my shoulders: C7/T1 area. I immediately got a flash of insight that I was not supporting myself by saying and going after what I want and need. I know this area is often associated with emotional support, both from myself and others. As I breathed into this area, it felt like it is at the very core of my being that I needed to support who I am and be willing to trust it and act on it. This is another, deeper, layer of some old issues I’ve worked with many times.
Growing up, I didn’t feel like it was okay to say what I wanted or needed, unless it was something my family also wanted or could understand. I felt like I was made wrong, invalidated or just plain denied what I needed. I’m talking about on the emotional level mostly. My basic physical needs were certainly taken care of, as well as my mental/intellectual needs.
It didn’t take many years to just give up on being vulnerable(sticking my neck out) and ask for love, affection, reassurance, the things kids need to remind them they’re alright and still loved when they make mistakes or have a difficult time.
So I learned to just lie to my parents, and sometimes teachers or my friends’ parents, about what I was doing, or why I wanted to do something. I didn’t lie randomly, but if I could get out of some punishment or there was something I really wanted to do, I told whatever story I needed to and found a way to do it.
Authority figures provoke a strange response from me now. It’s so rare that I even give anyone the role of authority in my life, where there is a regular interaction, but this sponsor relationship triggered it all over again! I catch myself wanting to please, not wanting to say how it really is for me, and yes, lying about what I’m actually doing or feeling, to avoid being judged (even if there’s no evidence I will be).
So I started lying to my sponsor. Little ones at first, like using stevia, which I said I would quit when told it was not on plan (my sponsor, you may remember, only wants to work with people who are following the entire RFA food plan). Then other little things, like not wanting to bother reporting when I changed my reported food for the day (“It’s just a small change,” “It doesn’t really matter,” and,”‘She’ll never know the difference”). Then I had to lie on my blog in the food log, in case she read it. Snowball effect! How screwed up is that?! It couldn’t last, and it didn’t. Three weeks and I had to make it right.
BTW, the part I omitted from the blog was a glass of wine I had last Saturday night. I still want to enjoy a glass of wine, maybe once a month.
Of course, it was not lost on me that I was demonstrating very little trust in my sponsor, who wants to help me and knows more than I do. And I felt out of integrity in general; not healthy. Ultimately I arrived at the fact that I am not willing to give up all the things required by following the RFA food plan entirely.
I just wasn’t convinced that all those extra things, on top of the flour, sugar and wheat abstinence, were crucial. And let me tell you, those things represent a huge chunk of what makes the plan so challenging, especially when travelling, even for the day, which I love to do very much.
So I did tell my sponsor how I felt. It wasn’t that hard. Like a good sponsor, she said to sleep on it a couple more days to make sure that I was sure. I was 98% sure, but I took her advice. My inner guidance was very consistent about this every time I checked in: “Take it easy, be gentle, do what makes you truly happy and in alignment with God’s will as you understand it, trust yourself.”
Tonight I told her I was 100% certain that I just wasn’t willing to follow the complete plan. I am the kind of person that I will have to see for myself if the modifications to my food plan leads to lack of ease, crazy thinking, obsessing about food, intense sweet cravings or difficulty connecting with God. I felt like such a relief; another way I knew it was the right decision for me right now.
I will have to formulate some guidelines about the things I want to add back in. That is something I will do with a new sponsor from OA. They don’t have the absolute strictness of RFA. They also don’t have as much physical recovery as RFA, as there is no particular food plan, just abstinence from foods that are compulsively overeaten. It seems like perhaps because of this, a lot of people founder in OA. But not everyone, and I know what I’m looking for in a sponsor: successful recovery for years! and practicality! willing to let me act on my guidance!
Nothing crazy here in changes to my food plan, just what I’ve really been doing all along: stevia instead of artificial sweeteners, eggs at liberty (while making efforts to eat other foods for breakfast), almond milk in addition to soy milk, whey in addition to soy protein powder, nuts and seeds (measured as a snack when meals are delayed or as a condiment), mostly eyeballing the measurements when eating out…and not reporting/committing to my food ahead of time! My life is just too unpredictable to not have flexibility in my food choices.
Breakfast: 8am – KS Pumpkin Pie (recipe)
Lunch: 1pm – sautéed corvina (4 oz), fresh asparagus (1 c) and 2 T pecans w/1/4 c chicken broth & 1 T fresh lemon juice, 1 c sliced beets, 1 c brown rice
Dinner: 6:30pm – DFM cafeteria: 4 oz black grouper in a thin herb/tomato sauce, 1 c brown rice, 1 c collards, 1 c steamed broccoli
60 mins Disc Golf – speed round. Sidearm only (except putting).
Shot one of my best scores, and not because my sidearm is so great! In fact, that’s why I did an all sidearm round in the first place. I had completely lost that shot! I got to test out my theory from last week that if I keep my arm in close and keep it all coming from my wrist snap, then I can get that shot back.
It worked! I still had a tendency to try to use extend my whole arm when trying for a longer distance. That only works for me when I basically have a wide open field. The course I played has a couple open holes, but mostly moderate and tight, wooded fairways–a real accuracy challenge. And scoring well when playing a sidearm on every hole, even holes that “bend the wrong way” for my sidearm, really surprised me! Keeping my “chicken wing” in close to my body really helped my accuracy, and even my distance, improve.
Knowing that my technique had been off, and having to really think about the flight characteristics of different discs, the release angle, etc., to produce the intended result, I have a feeling that the amount of concentration I brought to each throw was ultimately responsible for my good score.
I bet that changing it up and working on something totally foreign every now and then, would keep my focus very high. What would happen if I could bring that amount of focus every time I play a tournament?