DAY 83

FOOD LOG

Sorry there’s been no time for new recipes lately.  If you’ve been reading, you know I’m just barely holding it together, and relieved to have so many great old recipes to fall back on!

Meal #1:  9:30am  –  KS Pumpkin Pie

Meal #2:  1:30pm  –  4 oz DFM rotisserie chicken, 1 c brown rice, 1 c mashed cauliflower, 1 c canned spinach

Meal #3:  7:30pm  –  2 Taqueria del Sol’s Fish tacos minus the tortillas (including 2 T jalapeno mayo), 2 c salad, 1 T NO, 3/4 c refried beans, 1 giant handful yellow corn tortilla chips, 4 oz queso, 2 margaritas

EXERCISE LOG

none

INNER WORK

Finally found my Overeaters Anonymous’ 12 Steps and 12 Traditions (OA 12&12), which I committed to my sponsor to read and write about daily, starting yesterday.  After searching every book box in my basement for about an hour, my partner had it in her bookshelf!

Read Step One:

“We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Journaling:

This statement resonated with me:

“…the days of controlled eating grew fewer and farther apart, until at last we came to OA, looking for a new solution.”

It’s true.  I kept trying various plans and attempts to eat refined carbs (sugar , flour, etc) in moderation.  10 years ago I could last for a month before life, bad habits, stresses and who knows what else would lead me to eat refined carbs again.  Feeling fit, happy and close to ideal weight then, I was not highly motivated.

As time went on, the stakes became higher, as I was still overindulging in sweets, and chocolate especially, still gaining weight, and still unable to stick with any plan or intention.

5 years ago I could only last for about 2 weeks, even when I knew that the mild, healthy cleanses I was doing weren’t giving my liver a chance to heal if I stopped prematurely.

The past few years I could only last a week maybe, and then not even that long, if I didn’t use some kind of appetite suppressant and caffeine to keep my energy up.  I am determined to do it naturally, and develop a lifestyle habit.  I had seen that I would just go back to old, unhealthy habits if I reached a goal and quit doing whatever program or supplement I’d been using.

I think a part of me just wasn’t ready to do whatever it would take, which I now feel is total abstinence from the foods I cannot control and eat compulsively.  When I ate those foods, and also lacked a complete commitment to abstinence, it seemed like I would just go completely unconscious at some point.  Whatever plans I had would leave me, whatever thoughts, beliefs or convictions I had about the merit or necessity for my health, whatever desire to be fit and physically able, at some point would completely leave my mind.

Now that I am really ready to do whatever it takes, I have to keep my recovery FOREMOST in my mind.  I have a plan.  I have to only do what I’ve set up to do.  If I’m going into a place that has foods other than my plan, I have to mentally prepare myself.  I must have a sort of tunnel vision; get in and get out.

Now I journal, read  and attend meetings to remember why it was so important that one little slip could be so dangerous for me, when I’m feeling healthy and in control again.

I am not doing very well right now.  I am not really sticking to only what’s on my plan.  I’m not adding sugar and wheat to my plan, but I am adding other things, possibly as detrimental.  I don’t seem to be willing to give them up right now.  I really need to decide, then a way will work out.  There is a bit of a gap for me between knowing what is the right thing, and then being willing to do it.

Experience is important. Every relapse, mistake or slip is an opportunity to learn something about myself and this disease–something I can use to avoid problems in the future, if I choose differently.

Mainly I will pray a lot.  It might be the most important thing.  It helps me keep what I really want–recovery–in the front of my mind.  But it’s the writing, reading, calls and meetings that help me remember what to even pray about.  Without them, I can’t remember to ask for the strength, support and guidance to do the right thing.  OA helps me remember to pray, and to have recovery be the thing I pray for.

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About innerhealthjourney

I'm a healer. I am into new age spirituality, healthy food, hiking and disc golf.
This entry was posted in 12 Steps, Abstinence, Spiritual Guidance, Step Work. Bookmark the permalink.

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