DAY 85

FOOD LOG

Meal #1: 10:30am – Muffin Tops with Apple and Almond Butter

Meal #2: 3pm – 2 c romaine lettuce, 1 c brown rice, 4 oz rotisserie chicken, 2 T fresh avocado slices, 1 T lemon juice, 2 oz salsa, 1/2 T NO

Meal #3: 6pm – 4 oz mixed nuts and M&Ms

Ugh! I feel like such a fool, going on about how much I want to be abstinent, and then I just go unconscious with a craving.

I had been having a fierce hunger craving for an hour already, wishing I was in my own car, with nuts in the glove box. I was in Staples picking up some supplies, and was hoping they might have sugar free protein bars (oh sure they will), but everything they had was candy, all except for that one bag of nuts and M&Ms. I thought that I could have the nuts but then I just ate the M&Ms too. Crazy!

It never occurred to me to just go to one of the other stores surrounding me to get something abstinent. Call my sponsor? Never thought of that.

I thought there was no way I’d be hungry again before I got back home. I really need to be more prepared while I’m getting through the cravings of getting abstinent again. Apparently I cannot last 5 hours between meals like usual. And part of me doesn’t really believe it’s any big deal to have a little sugar, even though part of me knows it messes me up and makes it very hard to get back on track.

Meal#4: 8:45pm – 2 c Zucchini Soup, 4 oz broiled salmon, 1 c brown rice

EXERCISE LOG

60 mins Disc Golf

INNER WORK

My stomach has been a bit upset, with a nagging tension just underneath the tip of my breastbone. 28 years ago I had a similar feeling, but it got to be excrutiating and I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I only had that one episode, but that was enough for a lifetime.

After checking in with my body, I feel like this upset is due to the past 3 weeks of double work shifts, deadlines I cannot easily meet, the feeling of being unprepared and not doing a good job when they do arrive, not enough sleep and too few unscheduled moments in each day. Those stresses also led to less-than-ideal food choices, which adds to intestinal stresses.

Through it all, I kept breathing deeply, affirming that “there is enough time for everything.” I cancelled or rescheduled as many commitments as I could, but I stopped short of cancelling clients’ appointments. I knew it was not enough to relieve all the stress, but it helped.

Even though I had a 4 day vacation after the second week, which helped a little, it was not a resting vacation, and I came back to another week of the same stresses again. Vacations are often so stressful to get away, with planning my food and packing it, finding a pet sitter, having enough money to cover the unpaid time away in addition to the vacation expenses. On return there is unpacking, shopping, cooking, laundry and having everything ready to jump into a new work week . I’m considering no more vacations unless they’re atleast a full week long, so I can schedule a day on each end of it to prepare.

Now that the extra commitments are mostly done, I might think that my body and mind would go back to my normal, calm state. I’ve learned over many years with clients and in my own case that this is not so. As another example, after a busy day, it’s natural to think that when we fall asleep, the stresses must be gone in order to allow that, or that they will melt away as we sleep. It does work that way for mild stresses. What about anything particularly stressful, and especially for ongoing challenges that may not completely resolve? How often in life do we get total resolution, in a world where very few people seem to want to share feelings, talk things out or be vulnerable? This is when it is really necessary to consciously do some unwinding and affirming a new and improved state of being.

So I did some healing on my stomach area this morning before I got out of bed–touching, holding, massage, listening and breathing into it. The affirmations that came to me for this area were:

“It’s all going to work out.”

“I’m here and I’m going to do whatever it takes to help you.”

“I love you and I’m listening to what you need now.”

I got the image of a tiny child, frustrated, cranky, overwhelmed, wanting help, who feels she is being asked to perform what she cannot.

The feeling of “not doing a good job when [the deadlines] do arrive” is the piece of the experience that was still unresolved. I added in the next few affirmations, and maybe more importantly, I kept holding her until she could feel that they were true:

“I know you’re doing the best you can and it is going to be ok.”

“I will help you any way I can.”

“I love you no matter what happens.”

Today was a good, relaxed day; lots of unscheduled time. I’m starting to feel like myself again.

Desperately in need of some solid routine and structure, so I can fit everything in. I do best that way.

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About innerhealthjourney

I'm a healer. I am into new age spirituality, healthy food, hiking and disc golf.
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