Meal #1: 9:30am – Cherry Smoothie, 8 oz green juice
Meal #2: 1pm – 4.5 oz broiled salmon, 1/2 c quinoa salad with 1 oz feta, tomatoes and kalamata olives, 6 oz sugar free chocolate covered almonds. Yuck! Overboard.
Meal #3: 7pm – DFM Tabouli (1/2 c barley, 2/3 c parsley, 1 T EVOO),
30 mins weed wacking
After the disc golf clinic on Sunday, our pro instructor asked me why i didnt throw my forehand on an obvious right bending hole (the natural flight path of a forehand thrown right handed). I said i was too tired to throw it predictably and hit the opening between the trees. I realized i throw totally differently when I’m fresh vs when I’m tired. I start out with one throw, and it lasts most of one round. Then at the end of that round, and even sooner into a second round, I have to throw differently, because I’m too tired to do my big throw.
That puts me on the position of experimenting to find a predictable throw, when I should have a throw that I can count on and just do without thinking much. Predictability is possibly the most important factor when actually playing on a course. It is what lets me know which disc to choose for a certain length and shape hole. If I’m choosing incorrectly because my throw is different than what I’ve practiced, the disc is not gonna go where I expect. That will get me into the rough where my next throw is difficult or impossible.
My big throw is far and accurate, but takes a lot of energy. Maybe the most important thing I could do is develop a reproducible, EFFORTLESS throw, backhand and forehand.
Tomorrow I will work on revamping my throw for the umpteenth time, as I play a very long, demanding course. My goal will be to forget about distance for now, instead focusing on a smooth, high speed release. Really whip it with a lot of snap.
I am having a really hard time blessing the people and situations with which I have conflicts. I used to be able to do it. It’s just a change of mind, a different way of thinking about it. I know how much it’d help me, how powerful it would be in manifesting what I want.
I just don’t want to! I’m more attached to being right, feeling justified in my point of view, kind of addicted to the anger and frustration than to feeling flexible, happy and cooperative. Compassionate.
It feels like it’s about opening my heart. It also feels like its about moving further out of childhood habits and survival mode and scarcity. Scarcity of what? Hmmm…..of love? I think in my family growing up, my mother modeled being attached to being right. There was not a reward for being loving, or for working together to find a way for everyone to win in general.
There was reward for being cooperative with her agenda so that things were easier for her. So I learned that whoever could prove they were right got to win, have their way. If i couldnt have love or have my way, then i could feel superior. A substitute for feeling loved is to feel special in any way.
There were power struggles. My mom was competing with us, her children, because she did not seem to believe that we could all win. Only one person could have their way and win. Writing about it now, it feels sad, cold and lonely.
Just to be clear, I don’t feel my mom is at fault for my behavior. In past inner work I have uncovered a lot of the origins to my behavior, feelings, beliefs and habit. I do feel it is helpful to understand and acknowledge where these things come from. It makes it easier to accept what is, own it, let it go and move on. And it keeps me from taking more responsibility than necessary.
Now I revert to that competitive way of being (right = winning), especially when stressed. Even if it’s only in my own mind and I never say or do anything about my perceived rightness. It’s become it’s own unconscious, habitual, shallow reward.
I think the way out is to unwind the tension and get back to my softer, relaxed and vulnerable self, then I can more easily allow others to be the same.